


Yogastuck

by SecretSandbar



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, F/M, Fleet AU, Gen, UST, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Yoga, in which karkat practices yoga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 08:49:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14565390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecretSandbar/pseuds/SecretSandbar
Summary: Karkat takes yoga very seriously, for the most part. His instructor, for all of his efforts, still manages to get a rise out of him every time.





	Yogastuck

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna admit straight up that this is heavily modified RP logs, but it was a blast and I loved the Jade. Also, the fuck is formatting dialogue?

Yogastuck

It was not entirely fair to call his steps ‘heavy,’ but the innocent, defenseless stairs certainly did not deserve their treatment. He had a duffle bag over one shoulder, a battered laptop bag in one hand, and a creaking, protesting pair of yoga pants wrapped around his legs. He looked, and felt, ridiculous. He had been assured that this was the style of the fitness center, and he had no real reason to doubt what his friends had told him.

He’d intentionally signed up for the class without anyone on the sign up sheet, and so far, he hadn’t passed anyone else in gym attire. He’d made due with gym shorts for the first few classes, but the instructor’s outfit, combined with the continued nagging of Egbert and Strider had him convinced he’s made a mistake. None of these fucking pants fit, though, and he cursed Dave under his breath with a stream of inventive curses.

Karkat Vantas was a troll. He lived on a human colony, but only because he’d taken an assignment on a nearby military base. It amounted to little more than “Desk Jockey, First Class” but it was more than anyone else of his blood color could say. He worked a boring nine to five, managing Imperial Tithes, training fresh wrigglers from the Officer Corps, and busting his ass in the weight room to make sure pudge didn’t set in from too many office donuts.

He was still a bit husky.. Nothing would really ever change that. But he had the wiry flexibility of a Threshecutioner, though he only followed their training regimes out of something approaching fanboyism.

That, he mused, was what brought him here. The privileged members of his society had gyms of their own, but he had to make due with mixed species establishments, and both Strider, his erstwhile drinking buddy, and Zahhak, his blueblooded coworker swore by it. It had to be good for the blueblood to endorse it, so he’d started coming to yoga. It wasn’t the secret and specialized martial arts of the Threshecutioners, but it was graceful, and he had a surprising lack of that for the amount of time he spent in the gym. Jade Harley was his instructor, and she was worse than any drill sarge twice over. She had him sore and battered by the time he left, regardless of how strong he was. Still, he was learning, and hopefully, at least improving a little bit.

Finally, he reached the top of the narrow staircase that led to the loft yoga studio. It was small, dominated by a full sized mirror on one wall, and the scattered accoutrements of fitness and yoga were a haphazard mess. Only night classes fit his schedule, and he’s been apologetic at first about inconveniencing Harley. Then he’d learned that she gave bullshit as good as she got, and they’d settled into an acerbic familiarity.

It was, he’d often mused, filled with innuendo, profanity, and at least some small seed of genuine friendship. It suited him just fine that way, and would never go any further than that.  
Without bothering to knock, Karkat pushed into the studio, and Harley stared at him in disbelief.

“Karkat, you’re late for you lesson!!” she chirped, stifling a giggle. “And it looks like you tried to squeeze yourself into the smallest pair of yoga pants you could find.”

Karkat frowned, not entirely sure why she was giggling, but then it dawned on him. Strider had set him up, and he’d totally taken the bait.

“It wasn’t exactly easy,” he retorted with just a bit of heat. “And for your information, they are supremely fucking uncomfortable.”

“Well duh,” she responded, rolling her eyes. “Am I going to have to cut you out of them or what?”

 

Her response snapped right back, and he smiled at the familiar banter.

 

“Um, first of all, fuck you. Second of all, just because someone doesn’t understand this human death trap garment doesn’t mean he can’t rock them.”

 

“You totally could,” she shot back “just don’t come complaining to me about how crushed your junk is by the end of the session.”

“They told me how jealous you’d be of my ‘Junk in the Trunk.’” Karkat shot back smugly “Dave warned me about the weak attempt at reverse psychology you’d make. I’m not falling for you lies, Harley.

Jade snorted, her opinion for Dave’s wise counsel obvious.

“Fuck you Karkat, my ass godly, and about a million times better than yours. I worked hard for this ass. Ten years of yoga, Karkat, ten years.”

Karkat nodded sagely, putting his shoes in the wall hanging container and starting to get ready.

“I’m sensing some jealousy, Harley. The green envy of a hard worker envious of natural fucking gifts.”

He crossed the room, flopping down on the floor.

“And besides. I’m working on this ass now too. By the time I’m done, I’ll be so toned you won’t know what hit you.”

Jade started to do some warmup stretches, fixing him with an amused look. She stretched with a flexibility he couldn’t even hope to match, but it gave him high hopes for his eventual abilities.

“What’re you gonna do, spank me? Maybe when you get the flexibility to do it without hurting yourself. I’m not exactly holding my breath right now.”

Karkat feigned offense, puffing himself up.  
“I am in the military, Harley. I’m pretty fuckin’ sure I could bench you right now.”

He sighed mockingly, pressing a hand to his brow.

“I can tell you’re just jealous of my svelte figure, especially with all that junk you’re hauling around it your trunk.”

She started to come back with a hot retort, but stopped suddenly, a playful gleam sparkling in her eyes.

“Wait wait wait. Bench press me. Right now. This I have to see.”  
Karkat rolled his eyes, but heaved himself to his feet, glancing about the room in mock confusion.

“You do have the equipment for it, right? You can’t bench press something without a bench, Harley. You keep that sort of thing around for those who actually work on their physical fitness?”

“Yes sir,” she snapped sarcastically, and he gave her a toothy smile.

“If you’re going to talk like that, you should salute a superior officer.” he quipped, “Regardless, get over here so I can bench you like some brawny ass meathead.”

She did snap off a mocking salute to that, and he shook his head, lowering himself carefully to the bench.

“Prepare to be wowed, Harley,” he said, putting one hand on her back, and the other in the crook of her knees.

WIth a slight grunt, he slung her up, one hand flat on her back, the other supporting her bent knees. He carefully lowered her down, then pushed her back up, elbows locking sharply at the end of the motion.

“God,” she said “at least if you drop me, you can tell everyone you got me to sit on your face.”

Karkat almost did drop her then, but managed to hold her back up, turning the motion into a smooth rep. She wasn’t the heaviest thing he’d ever lifted, but she was also a lot softer than a rigid metal bar.

“You. Wish. Harley.” he grunted, completing more reps. “But buy me some grubloaf first, damn.”

“We could do that. Wanna grab dinner after?” she countered.

Karkat pushed her up again, pausing while he thought.

“Sure. I mean, like, that sounds good. Unless you’re fucking with me again, and I’ve fallen into your clever trap.”

“Nah,” she retorted, “fucking with you once is more than enough for now. Plus, i’m starving.”

“Sounds good to me. Once we finish we can talk about that other stuff too.”

Karkat winced. That..had not come out how he had intended it too.

“Like yoga and shit. You know what I meant.”

Jade rolled her eyes, turning her head and shooting him a look that said she knew exactly what he meant.

“Cmon, Karkat. You know you’d do just about anything for a night with me. Course, I’m not sure my military man is tough enough to handle me.”

“You know,” Karkat said slowly, pushing her back up and holding her their. “You should really keep your shit talking to yourself, especially when you literally don’t have a leg to stand on right now.”

He continued to lift, pulling her down and pushing her up, teasing her lightly as he did.

“Will you be coming down soon, Harley? I don’t want to be late for dinner.”

She said nothing for a moment, then snarked back with almost the same tone.

“No way, Karkat. It seems like I’ve been offered a job as part of your workout regimen. How the view down their anyway?”

Karkat rolled his eyes.

“Fucking fantastic, and you know it. Don’t be so fucking smug. Though, if you’re offering to help, maybe we should switch to a more comfortable position.”

Karkat laughed at his double entendre, and she made a sharp noise as he stood, slinging over his shoulders. Her waist pressed against the back of his neck, and he prepared to start squatting. He wasn’t a musclebound hulk, but he was strong, and managed her weight with little issue.

Jade giggled then spoke again as he began to squat.

“You’re one to talk about switching positions.” she said with mock severity. “For some who can’t hold Crow Pose for more than two seconds, you talk a big game.”

She took a deep breath, and shifted against his grip slightly, getting more comfortable.

“Seriously though, if you want to hook up, all you have to do is ask.”

Karkat laughed as he squatted, the sound cutting off as air wooshed from his lungs.

“No no Harley, you said it yourself. I probably couldn’t handle it.”

Karkat stood again, slinging her over one shoulder and walking across the room to where he had left his shoes and bag. Jade seemed content to have him carry her around, and a toothy grin split his face.

“I’m doomed to martyrdom, Harley. Thrown across the altar of Yoga, forever pining for the unattainable, the twofold impossibilities of the cute instructor, and the crow pose.

“C’mon” she said in a wheedling tone. “You don’t want to do me in front of the bigass mirrors? Take me on the yoga mats?”

She twisted, elbowing him in the side sarcastically.

“Sounds fun, doesn’t it Karkat??”

“Please Harley,” he retorted. “Obviously we’d go for both. God it’s like you don’t have an artistic bone in your fucking body.”

Jade murmured an contrite apology to the gods of aesthetic, dripping with sarcasm, and then laughed. It was an odd laugh, and Karkat stopped, setting her back down on the floor.

“Hey Harley?” he started, suddenly uncertain.

“Hm?” she mused, raising one eyebrow.

“This is actually going to happen, isn’t it?”

She grinned, staring him down.

“If you want it to. We can still do yoga, you know.”

Karkat tapped a finger on his chin, then looked back at her.

“Think we could still swing both? I mean, I am trying to tone up.”

“The two aren’t mutually exclusive, Karkat.” she shot back. “I’m just saying my bed is upstairs if you prefer something softer, and a more interesting activity to get some muscle tone.”

“Of course,” he said, nodding. “In your professional opinion, what sort of positions do you think we should focus on?”


End file.
